I am going to be completely honest, I have had a burning desire to write about this topic since I laid eyes on this kid the beginning of freshman year. First of all I would like to say I have no issue with getting around campus quickly and beating the rush. Everyday I see plenty of bros long boarding and skate boarding around campus and give them a simple smile and head nod and say “rock on bro!” while they whiz by me to go smoke doobies and tell their dad they hate them or whatever. Totally fine. If I were coordinated enough to ride a skateboard without getting smoked by a car on campus in Lowell I would be at the mall picking up a new board, some huff socks, and a beenie so fast it would make your head spin.
Everyday there is the normal miserable people who walk to class like myself, followed by the boarders and a couple of bicyclists all sharing the sidewalks and roads of the wonderful city of Lowell. Then there is him. Unicycle kid. My arch nemesis. Every day I see him cruising around on his one wheeled transportation machine with a smug look on his face like “look at me I’m the only one on campus who can do this”. Bro, give me fifteen minutes on that hazard and I’ll master that shit so fast you won’t even have time to stop me before I cruise that bad larry all the way to fuck your bitch. Mind you, this kid wears the same jeans, fleece, and Fox Head hat every day (aka he is the poster child for virgins), so I would probably have to settle on banging his sister instead. Mister high and mighty with his nose in the air thinks he’s so damn nifty weaving through people on the sidewalk when realistically everybody moves out of his way because they don’t wanna get pushed in to traffic by the douchebag who is too good for two wheels.
This year I have the displeasure of sharing a class with this muffin. There I am first day of classes sitting in Intro to Law, ready to have a kick ass start to my Sophomore year and get my learning on. Then he strolls in the classroom, but no not just him, he is rolling his fucking unicycle in to the classroom too. I swear I almost lost my shit, called my mother, and dropped out right then and there. I guess they don’t have wheel locks for unicycles, and then I thought about it a bit and realized that you don’t need a lock because it is a unicycle and nobody wants to steal it and be a constant anti-pussy magnet. Hey pal, I have a great place to leave your unicycle where nobody will steal it! At home in your garage where it belongs, or better yet in the trash. Glad I got that off my chest, time to go rub one out to the thought of him falling off his unicycle and breaking his face.